hi guys!
thanks for reading this and i hope it doesnt bore u too much although better than counting sheep ;) lol
anyways as you can see from my profile i am a young laydee with brittle asthma and depression as well as other conidtions - but we wont go into that - list too long! lol.
everyday an indeeed parts of the days themselves are variable in itself to great degrees both physically and psychologically.
diagnosed asthma 9 years ago, back in wales, moved up here 5 years ago when spiral began down hill worse and worse till diagnosed brittle early last year and am taking every known asthma medication known to man as well as home nebs and high dose maintenance steroids :( grrr... still having quite severe attacks in the last year or so which have meant 3 x itu admissions - tubed twice, hdu almost every admission and cardiac arrest 29/6/11
on 60mg pred for next week, then try 50mg over weekend then 40mg till RBH. havent been able reach below 20mg pred for over 2 years - all goes horribly wrong.
due to instability of condition and frequency of admissions due to attacks and the sheer exhaustion of the attacks themselves, been off work since feb 5th - though was on a.leave for egypt for my birthday which i had to cancel :( so last shift was end january!!
occ health have asked me to be realistic, honestly do i see myself back in that environment like before, will my lungs cope? honestly - i dont know. i have been under my idiot of a cons for past 18 mths and we dont get on but i am now awaiting RBH at last - next month - so they can sort me out and gimme my health back - MY LIFE back. it be nice to have a day when i wasnt so reliant on nebs and inh to help me make it through the day, you know? wen go back in 2 weeks - crossed fingers - it will be non clinical for few months till more stable and controlled and half my life back, then back on clinical duty.
seems forever though thankfully no talk of medical retirement as yet. redeployment necessary though.
got review with cons idiot next week - he knows i been seeing psych last year and wanted to know why - in front of 6 med students ? hmmm maybe not. so refused. only partly to do with asthma last year and other issues which i won go into if u dun mind. but no longer seeing as felt not helping - discharged from her last year. cons openly admitted he doesnt know wot to do with me now - i feel let down, hurt and angry that he reckons he cant do anymore and that everything i suggest he says - oh we dont do that, oh that wont work. he only started xolair to be seen as doing something as not that allergic and said he didnt think it will be of much benefit but worth a shot! made me so unwell after one injection, then few weeks later wen should have gone for next injection - itu admission so obv couldnt go. i know there's more i can try and new treatments to see what will help - RBH will sort me out - i hope :(
my poor viens and arteries are so hurty and bruised from all the ABG and iv access in costa now, they talked of a port a cath then dismissed it as they reckon havent used up all my veins??
cons also doesnt know gp started me on citalopram for my depresssion - i had to do something. this year has gotten me so much - i thought 5 months off work in/out hosp last year were bad enough, but with 30 admissions in past 7 months including multiple resp arrests, cardiac arrest and being told i died for a minute, and being tubed... too much to deal with. the only support - AUK forum members who i have become close friends with, along with my best friend.
how could i tell my family and friends that i wanted to ... that i couldnt take anymore, that i knew my asthma was gonna kill me :(
being in ituwas longest 4 weeks ever, though not remembering first lil bit was godsend - AUK friend helped me through it and stopped me giving up and pulled me through it - she was also in itu around sametime so we supported each other :) she stopped me doing silly things twice and whenever had bad thoughts - or felt very down and emotional, which is big trigger for my asthma attacks being the emotion grrr - i would text or ring her and i would feel better :)
flatmates i think have found it difficult to deal with even though they nurses themselves - its difficult seeing your friends suffer isnt it :( in middle of everything last week - he decided to gimme months notice to move out :'( luckily though quickly found new place and picked up keys today and signed contract :) then went splat on way to bus stop and spent rest of day back in FIRST home - costa resus for treatment for severe attack. not impressed. got discharged yesterday after being in hdu all weekend and had resp arrest again on sat nite. i get so scared as i knew didnt feel right - told doctor who was just about to try put iv access in my arm and told him i think gonna stop breathing, am soo tired. then blacked out ... resp arrest.
been given strict instructions to rest - no more trying to pack and to leave it for parents when they come to help me at weekend. orite then if i must ;) but i admit my prob is knowing when to rest and admit to self take it easy as i am so used to being on the go before all this you know - but now walking is an effort :( i used to run the ward and work on itu for 13 hr shifts huh no chance now :( not until i can hopefully get better control.. but need to work - money is big issue especially with moving and thats stress as well as moving causing stress and lungs cant cope :'(
need a holiday! as i said lungs were stroppy so egypt for m birthday was cancelled, then was due to go rome in june - i was still in itu so nope lungs win again. no hols for me :( rung insurance company and told them bout admission etc and that wanted to renew my policy - told they wouldnt cover me cos of itu etc - and if wanted cover for just a week they would do it for 1000 i fell silent with shock :S eek!!
but consultant and gp have agreed they not allowing me to fly as yet and to be honest my friends are afraid to go away with me! and my sister certainly is - she was in back of ambulance with me when my heart and lungs stopped and paramedic took her outsid as she was obv distressed and shouting i love you to me :'( the thought of her seeing them do .... and me like that upsets and angers me - she younger than me and has lil baby. why should i be scaring my sister?? obv i dun mean to and luckily she lives in diff country so dont see her often and look wot happens wen i do :( not safe around anyone... really need sort stroppy lungs out and kick asthma butt ;)
goin council tomorrow to enquire bout housing benefit and dad gonna pay deposit on new home for me. then over to new place have proper look round and decide where put things lol then back here to rest twitchy sodding lungs. home to parents on thursday - was gonna go tomorrow but think lungs n me need rest plus got things to sort bout new home and people to ring.
stress, stress, DUST, emotion, poor lungs, poor me!!
welcome to my world :)
sorry for long post - once started writing couldnt stop - all in my head you know.
mika
x x x
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